Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
