you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
