I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sext me about skeletons
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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