I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
