You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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