the condom got lost in my hair
high people should be assigned attendants
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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