I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What a dumb baby whore.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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