nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
