I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
