I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
