Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
