sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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