She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
