i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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