This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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