Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
