time to smoke my breakfast
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
