I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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