My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
