Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
