There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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