eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
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Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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