New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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