Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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