Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
