I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
