I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
