I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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