I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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