First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
