Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
