The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
