Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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