According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
