I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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