At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
