Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.