I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.