I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When did angry sex become our thing?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
