she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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