if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
