imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
