i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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