Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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