dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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