you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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