I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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