chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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