Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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