it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
