Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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