All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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