Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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