i was born a porn star she said
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
