somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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