Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
