I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
