i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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