She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
